Sorry I haven't been on here in a while.  We still have no access at home, and the library is only open here 9-5 4 days a week.

 Thinking of you all, and hopefully I will be able to get on here more soon.

 Love and Light

Monica

So, we are moving to a new apartment this weekend.  After Friday, I'll be without internet for a while--I don't know how long until we get things situated.  This is going fast, but we really need to get out of here now, and the layout of the new appartment will work great for us.  There is a bright sunny porch where we are incouraged to grow plants, so I can grow some herbs.  The playground is right outside the back door, so I can garden while my son runs without having to worry about him--he'll be right in sight.

I just hate moving, hate going through all the stuff I should have gone through long ago, getting rid of things we don't need, trying to pack the things we do need in some type of order where I can find them when we get there.  Hopefully, we'll get there and be there for a long time.

Of course, it would help if I could make myself get up and get started......

I've been having a rough time with my self-esteem.  Since I became a mother, I've stopped thinking of myself as a sexy woman--just think of myself as "old" and a mother.

I was at work tonight, and some of the guys were talking about the girls that make them want to forget they have a girlfriend/wife/etc.  I wasn't paying alot of attention, they were out of my sight, and I'm at least 8 years older than any of them--and there are plenty of girls there that are their age and I think much better looking.  But one of the guys said I was at the top of his list.  And a couple of others aggreed.  You should have seen there faces when they realized I was standing there. It just made my day.  I mean, my hubby tells me I'm gorgous all the time, but he kind of has too. 

Gods bless, I needed that tonight.

Ostara was wonderful.  Absolutely wonderful.  The Coven I'm associated with did an awsome job, and everyone that was there for the open circle was a coven member, someone in classes for initiation, or the three of us that start class next month.  It was a small, intamate group, and it was so magical.  There was so much fun and laughter.  I stayed there a long time laughing and visiting after the ceramony, and it was just awsome.

I start classes next month for initiation.  I have been involved with this group on and off for 5 years.  I had a really bad experience with a coven I was studing with at one point and time, and it made me hesatent to join another coven.  And for a long time, I was perfectly happy being solitary.  But lately I've been wanting initiation.  I had told the HPS sometime this year.  So last week, she asked if I was ready.  I kind of hesitiated, said yeah, I guess, and she said good, you start next month.  I'm glad.  The other two in my class are great, people I'm really comfortable with.  And my two teachers are two of my favorite people in a group of people that are all great.  So we'll see.  I'm excited, scared, but ready.  I think.

Beyond that, things are okay.  My son has been acting up some since he's not getting to stay with my MIL.  He's adjusting, though.  Brother in Law has been harrassing hubby a bit, telling him he needs to "control his wife".  My husband just told them it was his decission too, not just mine, and that he obviously didn't know me if he thought that I was "controllable".  He thinks all women should be....a lot he knows.  MIL has calmed down, and has came over here to see him a few times.  When he wants to go with her, she says he cant because I won't let him.  I tell him that's right, I won't, and he can go when Uncle T isn't there anymore.  He doesn't like that, but he's getting used to it.

So all together, things are finally looking up. 

Ever had a week where you just want to run away, and keep running and running?  This week has been full of them.

My Brother in Law was picked up last week for DUI, driving without a licence, evading arrest, etc.  He had also threatened my husband, his mom, our son (who's only 3), me, etc, before he drove off.  So what does my Mother in law do?  After my hubby made it very clear that he was not to be around our son at all any more.  She goes and bails him out, on the night she was keeping my son, and brings him to her house.  And she doesn't even call and tell us! 

I could understand, if this was the first time he'd gotten drunk or ugly.  But this it the 4th time in 6 months.  My husband only found out he was out because he called to tell our son good night and his brother answered the phone.  I was at work.  He was headed to work.  He had to go pick up the baby, find someone to keep him at 8 pm on a Monday night.

And somehow through all of this, I am the bad one.  No "decent girl" would keep a grandmother from her grandchild, or turn a son against his mother.  She knows she raised him better, and even though we are saying it's a joint decision, she knows her son wouldn't do that to her.  It doesn't matter that I'm the one that is encouraging my husband to take our son to see her when BIL isn't there.  It doesn't matter that I have told her that she can come to our house any time to see him. 

Hubby is so hurt.  He feels betrayed by his mom, because she promised not to have BIL around son, and she deliberately did it and hid it from us.  I'm so proud of hubby for not caving into her.  I know she thinks she's doing what is best for her son, but she won't see that we are doing the same.  She's not the one who's had to get up with the little one having nightmares at night, and yelling out "T, calm down, don't hurt maw-maw" or momma or daddy or whoever.  She thinks that these kinds of scenes are normal.  Hubby is used to these scenes (his dad was an alcoholic too, and has only gotten clean for about 3 years), but he's tiered of them and doesn't want it around his son.

And of course, she had to throw in that if we would go to church and learn about God and forgiveness, we would have more compassion for T and his "problem"  She knows I'm not Christian, but my hubby is and he takes our son to church every week.  One more reason that I am the cause of all this, even though my hubby didn't want to even take the baby around his mom until she gets a clue about his brother.  Somehow, it's still my fault.

I really, really just want to run away.